I still remember the fire that burned so bright within me years before. Laging nasa church and antaas ng level ng faith ko. Parang kahit anong mangyari, I know it will be okay kasi I have Him with me. I had such strong trust that He will not let anything bad happen to us. Christian ako before, though not baptized kasi hindi pa ako tapos sa one-on-one namin with my VG leader pero andon ung eagerness to be one with Him. Un nga lang, I was tested and I learned that I was not strong enough.
Let me tell you guys about my journey that I am still struggling to go back on.
During my college days nagsimula si mama na umattend ng Victory Church. Before that though is naka-attend na ako ng Christian Church sa Malolos at bata pa lang ako alam ko ng mas prefer ko na ung Christian life over Catholic Church. Anywayyy, ayon, nag-attend din ako together with some of my siblings. Kami ng bunso kong kapatid ung naging committed talaga. Nung time na yon nagsisimula na din ako mag-work sa Eastwood. Okay na okay lahat. We spent most of our Sundays on church. Service sa umaga tas volunteer work as a Kids’ Teacher for the rest of the day. Hindi nakakapagod. Parang nakakarecharge pa nga e. Akala ko finally I found the church for me. Akala ko lang pala..
Nagstruggle lalo ung relationship ng parents ko to the point na pikon na pikon na din ako. Umabot sa ang titindi na ng away nila na pati kami nadadamay na. Syempre nung time na yon, may isip na kami. Marunong na kami magdefend. At one point, habang nag-aaway sila ng maalala, nagbe-breakdown na ako sa gilid. I was so desperate to findi comfort. Una kong tinawagan si Raf nung time na yon just to tell him what is happening pero hindi siya sumasagot kahit anong tawag or text ko. Tas biglang naisip ko na lang na why am I finding comfort with him when I have God with me? Nagflashback sa akin ung turo sa church na always circle back to the Word of God in times of struggles. So I grabbed my Bible, prayed hard to find the answers to my questions before opening it.. and viola! Binigyan ako ni God ng verse na hindi nag-make sense sa akin. Umiyak ako lalo. Sabi ko.. Please naman po.. Kahit ano lang po. I just need Your word. Binuksan ko ulit ung Bible pero wala pa din talaga. Sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, I might not have the answers that night pero I will stay faithful and just relax for a bit. Baka sa ibang paraan maibigay sa akin ung comfort na hinihingi ko.
The day after that, tamad na tamad akong pumunta sa church. May volunteers meeting un sa pagkakatanda ko. Sobrang wala akong gana.. pero may bumulong sa akin na bumangon kesa magstay ako sa bahay at malungkot lang. Nagbihis. Pumunta sa Church, pinakita sa lahat na wala akong problema. Everything continued as usual until the end of the meeting. Nag-ikot sa amin ung Pastor namin offering words of comfort. At this point, tumahimik na lang ako at nagpray. Na sabi ko onting comfort lang po talaga, I just need so bad kasi ako mismo suko na sa pamilya namin. Ni di ako umasa ng kahit na ano for that day. Nagulat na lang ako na ako na ung sunod na nilapitan ng pastor namin. Mind you, nung time na yon wala akong sinabihan ng kung anong nangyayari sa bahay. He placed his hand on my shoulder and then asked kung kamusta ung parents ko. Nagulat ako. Wala akong nasagot. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kng paano sasabihin kasi lumaki akong walang kinakausap sa bahay kaya it was so hard for me to open up kahit na kanino. Nagbreakdown na lang ako sa harap ng pastor namin. Wala na akong masabi e He assured me na what I was praying for will come true. Na I just have to stay faithful. I just have to believe in Him.
I felt good. I felt refreshed. I was actually elated to hear those words. Pag-uwi ko andon na ung balita na naghahanap na si Mama ng way to file a Legal Separation with my dad to the point na pinagsusulat na kami ng testimonies namin para mapabilis ung process. I was so hesitant to write anything kasi I was remembering what Pastor has said. Being me, na di kayang ivoice out kung ano nasa isip, I just texted my mom. I shared with her ung sinabi ni Pastor.
I stayed faithful pero wala akong makitang pagbabago. Instead lalong lumalala. Mas lalong nakakawasak ng puso. Nagtampo ako. Alam ko sa sarili ko ngayon na mahina ako nung panahon na yon. Di pa ako ganon ka strong sa paniniwala. Nagtampo ako sa Kaniya. Nawalan ako ng gana.
Isabay pa na my relationship with Raf is starting to falter in parallel sa nangyayari sa family ko. It felt like everything was just downhill from there and di nga ako nagkamali. Downhill nga talaga.
I stopped going to church. I distanced myself from the people that I know from church. I shut them out. Hiniwalayan ko din si Raf kasi feeling ko wala na kaming pag-asa. I strayed so hard from the path that was placed for me. Tinanggal ko lahat ng guardrails ko. Kasi napagod na ako. Nawala sa akin ung faith ko sa kaniya.
But you know what, amazing pa din kasi kahit pa sabog na sabog na ung faith ko nung time na yon, I was still blessed.
First, He sent me not two but three four-legged angels who helped me with my emotional struggles. Having them in my life, nagkaroon ako ng outlet sa buhay. Naging busy ako sa pag-aalaga sa kanila at masaya ako kasi may mga constantly masayang makakita sa akin.
Second, He blessed me beyond what I deserve be it promotion or salary increase or the brain that helped me achieve everything I have learned.
and most importantly, kahit paminsan minsan, whenver I allow myself, I know that He is still within me. Lalo na ngayon na unti-unti kong naayos lahat. Dati, I thought nung sinabi ni God na mafifix nya ung relationship ng dad ko, inisip ko na it’s with my mom. Hindi pala. It was the relationship between a father and a daughter. He showed me the bigger picture kung bakit di sila nag-work out ng mom ko at kahit masakit kasi nga they are married at diba dapat di sila maghihiwalay? nainitindihan ko kung bakit. Kasi they were humans. Flawed like the rest of us. And they can and will get hurt beyond repair. So wala ng magagawa.
He brought me back to Raf. I remember how hard I prayed for Raf before. Na kada church ko siya ung pinagdadasal ko na para sa akin. Ngayon alam kong eto na to talaga.
I am slowly healing. Netong previous weeks lang panay Praise and Worship songs na ang pinpakinggan ko. I feel more energized kasi, like the way I felt back then. Sana magtuloy tuloy na. Sana this time stronger na ung faith ko.
SiJourneys 